An enlightened redneck knows how to behave in certain circumstances. Thankfully, there’s a list. Here are the rules of redneck etiquette that made me chuckle the most:

• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
• Always say “Excuse me” after getting sick in someone else’s car.

Read the rest at CountryHumor.com.

That’s just a joke, but America’s first president, George Washington, studied basic rules of etiquette from childhood. Some of them also sound like they were written for rednecks. Historians just slapped a fancy title on Washington’s list: “George Washington’s Rules Of Civility & Decent Behavior In Company And Conversation.”

Here are several that sound like behavioral admonitions a redneck might need:

• When in Company, put not your Hands to any Part of the Body, not usualy Discovered.
• Put not off your Cloths in the presence of Others, nor go out your Chamber half Drest.
• Shift not yourself in the Sight of others nor Gnaw your nails.
• Use no Reproachfull Language against any one neither Curse nor Revile.
• Wear not your Cloths, foul, unript or Dusty but See they be Brush’d once every day at least and take heed that you approach not to any Uncleaness.
• Run not in the Streets, neither go too slowly nor with Mouth open go not Shaking yr Arms kick not the earth with yr feet, go not upon the Toes, nor in a Dancing fashion.
• Gaze not on the marks or blemishes of Others and ask not how they came. What you may Speak in Secret to your Friend deliver not before others.
• While you are talking, Point not with your Finger at him of Whom you Discourse nor Approach too near him to whom you talk especially to his face.
• Being Set at meat Scratch not neither Spit Cough or blow your Nose except there’s a Necessity for it.
• Make no Shew of taking great Delight in your Victuals, Feed not with Greediness; cut your Bread with a Knife, lean not on the Table neither find fault with what you Eat.
• If you Soak bread in the Sauce let it be no more than what you put in your Mouth at a time and blow not your broth at Table but Stay till Cools of it Self.
• Cleanse not your teeth with the Table Cloth Napkin Fork or Knife but if Others do it let it be done wt. a Pick Tooth.

This enlightened redneck has a copy of Washington’s book in hardback. I can’t say that I’m all that consistent about obeying every rule, though.