President Obama wasn’t born in America. He’s a Muslim. He’s a communist. You’ve heard all those lunatic conspiracy theories before, but how about this one?

According to a poll released Tuesday, nearly 20 percent of U.S. citizens now believe Barack Obama is a cactus, the most Americans to identify the president as a water- retaining desert plant since he took office.

The poll, conducted by the Pew Research Center, found a sharp rise in the number of Americans who say they firmly believe Obama was either born a cactus, became a cactus during his youth, or has questionable links to the Cactaceae family. …

Obama has lost favor among many voters who supported his candidacy in 2008 but have since come to doubt he is a mammal. While these Americans concede Obama may not specifically be a cactus, most believe he is a plant of some kind, with 18 percent saying the president is a ficus, 37 percent believing him to be a grain such as wheat or millet, and 12 percent convinced he is an old-growth forest in Northern California.

When asked why they agreed with the statement “President Obama is a large succulent plant composed of specialized cells designed for water retention in arid climates,” many responded that they “just know,” claiming the president only acts like a human being for political purposes and is truly a cactus at heart.

Just in case there are any humor-challenged redneck readers out there, let me state unequivocally that the poll is satire. It’s not real. It’s in The Onion. But the idiocy of it casts a bright light not only on silly polls but also on the craziness that some Americans rush to embrace when they despise a politician.

When I read a few tidbits from the satire to a colleague, she asked, “How do they come up with that stuff?” My answer: They obviously drink a lot. I wish booze could explain the twisted rationale of “birthers” and other Obama haters, but sadly, their psyches are scarred by more than alcohol.

I don’t like Obama’s policies or his political philosophy. Both are bad for America. But let’s stop with the unhinged rumors that he’s something other than what we know him to be — a president who is expanding government to dangerous levels, spending the country into oblivion and undermining an fragile economy. That’s crazy enough!