(Gar)gantuan Redneck Fish
Posted on 06.30.09 by Danny Glover @ 11:48 pm

Back in the Ohio Valley of my youth, every boy feared the day he would hook a fish and reel it in to find a gar, a creature with a snout and razor-sharp teeth, at the end of the line.

Gars snarl and snap like rabid raccoons when you snag ‘em. Kids either beat them to death or cut the line and kicked them back into the water with the hook as a badge of honor to show their buddies. I only remember catching one small one in the Ohio River, and I opted for the arguably cruel yet very usual hook-and-release method.

Times have changed. Enlightened rednecks now pursue the alligator gar for sport — and the monsters they hope to hook are far scarier than the 10-inch wannabe I couldn’t wait to cut loose in high school.

[A]lligator gar have experienced a kind of trash-to-trophy renaissance as sportsmen discovered the thrill of hunting the beasts, which can weigh up to 300 pounds and reach 8 feet in length. Gar hunting, with rod-and-reel as well as crossbow, has spawned a booming market for guides who charge as much as $750 a day to lead their clients deep into the muddy backwaters of Texas where the monster fish thrive.

In the rural South, the prospect of bagging a trophy gator gar inspires a special brand of enthusiasm. “I don’t consider myself a redneck, but sometimes I do redneck stuff,” says Mark Malfa, a gar guide in central Texas.

I hate to break it to you, Mr. Malfa, but if you take city slickers with deep pockets gar-hunting in the Texas backwoods, you’re a redneck. That’s not a bad thing, though. Now that I’ve seen the gar in a new and manly light, I wouldn’t mind being in your shoes.

Filed under: Fishing and Human Interest and Rednecks and Sports
Comments: None

Normal Mothers
Posted on 06.30.09 by Danny Glover @ 11:26 pm

Lynndie England, the unenlightened redneck who thought it was a good idea to pose for pictures alongside Iraqi prisoners being tortured at Abu Ghraib, has a twisted view of “normal moms.”

England was paroled in March 2007 after serving half of a three-year sentence for her part in the scandal and now lives in her hometown, Fort Ashby, W.Va. She is the single mother of a 4-year-old son and can’t find a job because, she says, no one wants to hire the woman who became the face of Abu Ghraib.

That brings us to this quote: “Normal moms have jobs. They get up, they take their kids to school, they go to work, they come home, they cook, they clean, they do all that. I’m home all day.”

Say what?! I realize I’m almost three decades removed from childhood, but Lynndie England’s twisted perception of a “normal mom” doesn’t describe the woman who raised me in West Virginia. It doesn’t describe my wife, either, or most of our friends — or even women I’ve known in the workforce.

Filed under: Adoption and Culture and Family and Home Schooling and Parenting and People
Comments: None

Chris Elliott And Me
Posted on 06.29.09 by Danny Glover @ 8:19 pm

Speaking of Groundhog Day at the Glover household, over the years some people have insisted that I look like actor Chris Elliott, who had a bit part in the movie “Groundhog Day” that featured “Caddyshack” star Bill Murray.

I first heard the comparison when I walked returned to my hometown while a sophomore in college to watch my high school play a basketball game. Across the foyer outside the gym, a guy several years older than me whom I barely knew yelled, “Look, it’s the man under the stairs.”

That was the first I had heard of Elliott, who played that off-the-wall role in the early seasons of David Letterman’s late-night talk show. I heard more comparisons of him to me after Elliott’s appearance in “Groundhog Day” and when he briefly had his own television show.

I don’t see the resemblance, but judge for yourself:

Filed under: Entertainment and Family and Human Interest and People
Comments: None

Groundhog Day
Posted on 06.29.09 by Danny Glover @ 7:39 pm

Earlier this month, we witnessed a rare treat of nature as the mother skunk we didn’t know was living under our porch moved her four babies from her den to a new home down the block.

I say “treat” because we had the protection of a door and Mama Skunk never sprayed us. I had never seen a live skunk before, let alone babies, and we rednecks appreciate wildlife alive as much as dead.

A few days after the skunks moved, I filled their den, but a new entryway quickly reappeared. We thought it was the skunks again — until my wife almost stepped on a groundhog as it was heading into another hole underneath the stairs to our back porch. (Our block also is overrun with rabbits and squirrels, and we’ve seen possums.)

I’ve been filling holes almost daily since then to try to discourage the nasty and destructive little rodent, but he won’t take the hint. I’ve even shoved cans, logs and rocks into the burrow, but Mr. Groundhog is a tough little creature. He’s managed to force most of the obstacles out of his way and digs around the others.

Filed under: Family and Human Interest and Hunting & Guns
Comments: 1 Comment

Baby Boomers Need To Vote Redneck
Posted on 06.29.09 by Danny Glover @ 6:19 pm

That’s the conclusion of a columnist for the Fort Scott Tribune in Kansas:

Let’s face it, if we want a government that actually represents we Baby Boomers, we’d better find a “redneck” and put him (or her) in office. Preferably a redneck whose at least served in the military.

So long as he has an appreciation for and an understanding of the military, I don’t care whether a president has served in it. (We’ve had some successful presidents who didn’t.) But I’m all for electing enlightened rednecks to any governing office because they are the kind of men who are less likely to lose touch with their humble roots.

Filed under: Government and Media and Rednecks
Comments: None

Put Your Body Where Your Redneck Slur Is
Posted on 06.29.09 by Danny Glover @ 6:07 pm

You may recall that actress Janeane Garofalo made a bigoted spectacle of herself a couple of months ago when she attacked people like me as racist rednecks because we oppose the Obama administration’s out-of-control government spending. Her outburst was as wrong as it was laughable.

Fox News gave Garofalo the chance to recant her false accusations, but she refused to apologize. But the organizers of April’s “tea party” in Dallas are giving her another chance to open her mind. They have invited her to Saturday’s Independence Day tea party in the same city.

Katrina Pierson, the star of Dallas’ first event, extended the first video invitation to Garofalo about a month ago. “[C]ome on down to Texas and join us for America’s Tea Party and celebrate the declaration to which our mission is to protect and preserve.”

Now Tea Party Patriots has released a second video invitation that features not only Pierson and other grassroots activists but also Internet media celebrities like Michelle Malkin and Alfonzo Rachel. “Your bigoted statement, formed in ignorance, slandered all of us when you didn’t know any of us,” one woman says in the clip.

“We suspect that you fear having to confront the reality that we’re not racist at all,” added Rachel, a black conservative who stars in the ZoNation videos for Pajamas TV. “… And it’s not because we’re better than anybody else; it’s because we are everyone else.”

The invitation is sincere, and if Garofalo has any character at all, she will accept it and see for herself that the folks behind America’s tea parties are enlightened rednecks, not racists.

Filed under: Government and Hatin' On Rednecks and News & Politics and People and Video
Comments: 1 Comment

Is There A Doctor In The Bureaucracy?
Posted on 06.27.09 by Danny Glover @ 12:39 pm

Here’s why you don’t want Uncle Sam to become Doctor Sam:

Tell your congressman to just say no to government-run health care.

Filed under: Government and News & Politics and Video
Comments: None

The Energy Tax Will Make Uncle Sam Green
Posted on 06.26.09 by Danny Glover @ 9:24 pm

Environmentalists have the Democratic majority (and a few Republicans) in Congress convinced that a “cap and trade” system on emissions in the United States will make the world greener. But the only thing that will get greener from the more appropriately named “cap and tax” system is Uncle Sam’s wallet — and it will get greener at the expense of your wallets.

Here are a couple of videos, one serious and one humorous, that drive home the point:

Filed under: Government and News & Politics and Video
Comments: 1 Comment

The D.C. Commuter’s Rant
Posted on 06.26.09 by Danny Glover @ 6:57 pm

I hate cabbies in the District of Columbia who think they have some special exemption that lets them occupy two lanes by straddling the dotted white line as they drive. And someone needs to pass a law that makes rush hour illegal at 1:30 in the afternoon.

I also don’t understand why I can save 10 cents to 20 cents a gallon by traveling just a few blocks. All stations are selling the exact same fossil fuel, and the overhead can’t vary that much from one spot to the next in the same county, with the same property taxes, etc.

That’s all for today. Tune in next week for the latest installment of “The D.C. Commuter’s Rant.”

Filed under: Culture and Redneck Rants
Comments: None

Michael Jackson Is Dead. It’s Sad.
Posted on 06.25.09 by Danny Glover @ 11:53 pm

And that’s all I have to say about that. If you want more information. You can get it from somewhere other than here. What I have to offer is this flashback to the death of John F. Kennedy Jr. and my reaction to the needless and irritating saturation media coverage:

A True American Tragedy
By K. Daniel Glover
July 27, 1999

My celebrity-obsessed journalistic brethren insist that I will remember where I was the day I heard John F. Kennedy Jr., his wife and his sister-in-law had died in an airplane accident. But because I have a notoriously lousy memory, I will make note of my whereabouts here: I was on the couch at my parents’ home in Paden City, W.Va., ranting uncontrollably at the television.

Like everyone else, I was both stunned and saddened to learn that the 38-year-old son of an assassinated president had, like so many in his family, died in the prime of his life. But 15 minutes into the news coverage, my sympathy for the lost souls and the family mourning them was overwhelmed by disgust at the idiocy surrounding the tragedy.

A full-scale search involving two branches of the military, the Coast Guard and more? A Pentagon briefing? Non-stop, and nonsensical, news coverage that sensationally dubbed JFK Jr. the “crown prince of America” and his death “An American Tragedy”? A horde of journalists morbidly waiting outside the Kennedy compound in Massachusetts for a glimpse of grief? I could not believe it.

There was more to my essay, but you get the gist of it. You don’t really need to hear any more about the media reaction to JFK Jr.’s death anyway because the nation is about to relive the spectacle. Only the name has changed.

And with the deaths of Hollywood legends Ed McMahon earlier this week and Farrah Fawcett on the same day that Jackson died, you can multiply it by three. Broadcast legend Walter Kronkite also is reportedly on his deathbed.

I’ll be avoiding the news, and cable news in particular, as much as possible for a newsman the next few days.

Filed under: Entertainment and Media and Music and People
Comments: None

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